A Life

A weekly podcast about asexuality

A Life #37: Staying In

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“Coming out” is usually covered a lot in these sorts of podcasts and is universally hailed as a good thing for everybody. But what if you just want to stay in and not deal with the hassle or repercussions of coming out. Is it as respectable and if it is, what are the ways to stay in without blowing your cover? These questions and a lot of tangential sidelines are at the core of this episode of A Life.

Do you think not coming out hurts the community?


November 9, 2010 - Posted by | Podcast


  1. I thought for a while I was a lesbian and recently realized I was also asexual. I already came out as a lesbian, but to fewer people as asexual. I can’t wait to tell them (some friends & family members), because I think people should know about what’s out there in the world & become more open-minded towards everybody. I honestly think it’s more shocking for others to out yourself as gay, because that has more negative connotations than the rather unknown term ‘asexual’. Although I’m sure many ignorant comments will come my way, wish me luck! :p

    Comment by BelgianBelle | November 9, 2010

  2. Hey guys, Look who has finally got up to date with all the podcasts =]

    Such a great topic for a show btw, sick off all the ones about coming out, like how you’ve stirred the pot on this =]

    Yes I do feel bad about not coming out to the point I almost feel like I’m a fraud. I say I’m asexual but I can’t come out and own it- so what does that make me. I’m not ashamed about being ace though. I wish I could be more comfortable about coming out and talking about my aceness. I’ve had to decline interviews with the media and everything because of it. I am trying to help the ace visibility in other ways by sending off emails to the media and other such things as far as raising awareness, but I know the best way is to just come out to the people around me. The more aces out there,the more legitimate it will be….but I just can’t do it yet and I am still new to the whole ace title so hopefully when Im older I’ll find some courage but just not yet.

    At the end of the day, what am I coming out for? Who am I coming out for? If the norm is being straight then I have nothing to hide, whether I have sex or not. If I got in a relationship sure I’d tell the guy I’m dating but coming out to everyone in my life doesn’t seem that necessary. I’m still being true to myself even if I don’t tell my friends Im ace. I’ve always been the same growing up I just didn’t have a name for it. I knew of asexuality but I thought it meant being aromantic not nonsexual, only recently I’ve cotton on to the real meaning. But again I’m still the same person and nothings changed. I’m not gay and want to date someone of the same sex, so does anyone need to know what does or doesn’t happen behind closed doors?

    I’m sure you’d agree that a sexual person that doesn’t tell their friends they like BDSM or some other fetish isn’t lying about they’re identity, they just don’t have a reason to tell everyone what goes on in their personal relationships. Its the people (mainly in the gay community) that not only lie to everyone in their lives about their sexuality and even get marriage and stuff that need to come out. If your so ashamed or so in denial that you’ve started lying to yourself then you have a problem. (also if your gay and want to walk down the street holding hands with someone of the samesex as you- you probably need to come out to the people in your life before they hear it from a neighbour or something – its a sexuality thats visable to total strangers when you do that)

    But if your living your life and not hurting anyone and being true to yourself, is coming out really necessary?…. I’ve come out to myself and that’s all that really matters to me at the moment until I meet someone. I think the main thing is that I know what it is and what I am. I know the labels there if I need to explain myself in anyway, but in day to day life its not that important that everyone else knows.

    Another reason I don’t want to come out yet is I haven’t been in a proper relationship. So I worry that when I do get in a relationship that ill turn sexual or demi. (You know though I also worry when I finally get into a relationship that worse then becoming sexual I won’t even like kissing…..=[ )

    Im pretty sure I’m asexual, hovering around in the ” passive” romantic area. I’ve given myself this label and I’m about 99% sure this is who I am and that this won’t change in the future but I also don’t want to come out and then change my mind. Coming out and then taking it back won’t help the asexual community either, so until I know for sure its better to wait.

    I mean not only would you look stupid, you prove all the stereotypes that asexuals have to deal with when coming out right. It hurts the legitimacy of the orientation and the community far more than not coming out at all.

    As for making sure I don’t accidentally reveal myself. Well like I said in my comment about parents. My mum knows I’m not interested in a relationship and isn’t pushing me or anything to get into one. She does know I like guys and have crushes and stuff so I don’t think there’s much point in telling her I don’t want sex. As far as the sex thing goes well we don’t talk about that kind of thing so I don’t think it will come out my accident anytime soon. And If it did I don’t think she’s be surprised anyways. Its not like I’m like other girls my age going out to clubs or parties or drinking and coming home late or anything else “normal” people my age do. This would just be another abnormal thing I do. LOL

    I think when I’m with friends I don’t exactly pretend to sexual, I’m one of those aces that can make dirty jokes and so on. And I wouldn’t say I’m that repulsed my sex but lucky for me my group of friends I have now have better things to talk about. Besides they have as much action as me, so not much to talk about as far as sex goes. At the same time friends in the past (even before I had the ace label) have said how much I probably want to sleep with my crush or other little jokes like that. When they do that I just say ‘I actually don’t want to’. No ones tripped me up on this yet, I assume they just think I’m not ready yet or am waiting for marriage or something and I’m okay with that. I don’t see they need to say anything else on the matter unless they flat out ask me why I don’t want to have sex with my crush.

    Comment by TheJester | November 10, 2010

  3. Hi, it’s your most devoted stalker here. XD

    I personally have problem with people staying in. Not because I found it offensive or hurtful to the community or anything. I simply don’t get it. I do believe it’s everyone’s free choice and nobody should be outed by force, but I simply don’t see why one wouldn’t want to come out? I am person who talk a lot – you noticed, huh? – and I am absolutely terrible at keeping any secrets, so for me to know I’m an ace and not to come out? Impossible.

    And I just always assumed people stay in the closet until they’re sure/they’re ready/it’s safe to come out. I don’t really get people who would just prefer not to tell anyone. It’s not that I think they’re wrong or whatever, I don’t want to insult anyone or their views, it’s just so different from how I look at things that it is hard for me to wrap my head around it.

    Okay, I wanted to keep it short, but I need to comment on two more things:

    *people with children being hostile towards people without children – Well, let me tell you it’s similar in Poland. It’s like, it becomes more and more okay for people to not have kids, but still people think something must be wrong with childless couples or people at all. Either they can’t have kids or they’re workaholics or there’s something weird about them. I’m currently studying to be a teacher (I hope I will manage to find some more suiting me job, but for now that’s the plan) and I just so often hear: How are you supposed to deal with other people’s children when you won’t have any of your own? Which angers me so much, because seriously, I don’t have ambition to co-parent those kids! Parents are for parenting, I just want to teach their little brats a bit of literature! *sigh*

    *Sexual jokes made by asexuals. I found it that since I labeled myself as an ace and people who know me know that I’m an ace we more often than not get awkward with sexual jokes, which is ridiculous. I’m trying to get them used to the idea, because quite frankly I like dirty jokes and innuendoes and I have way too dirty mind to not joke about sex, just because I don’t have sex.

    PS. Welcome back, Henrik! I would give you a welcoming hug if not for the fact that neither of us would enjoy it. πŸ˜€

    PPS. I really do try to keep those comments short! It just never quite works out…

    Comment by Andrea_Deer | November 11, 2010

  4. I’m not sure how much of this is really relevent to the show, but I tried:

    I personally don’t have a problem with ‘coming out’ myself, theoretically. It’s more that I don’t TALK about these kinds of things with people. Even if I wasn’t asexual I wouldn’t talk about my preferences or who I thought was ‘cute’ or whatever with them. That and I have a very limited number of people I am close enough to to tell. But if anyone ever asked me why I haven’t found anyone or what exactly I’m waiting for, I’ll be like ‘Dude, can’t you tell I’m not into that stuff? I’m asexual.’. That’s probably exactly what I’ll say too. And honestly, it should come as no surprise whatsoever. I don’t anticipate a problem with my familiy accepting it either. I already told them I don’t want kids and that I like solitude, and my Mom has already said she wouldn’t care if any of us were gay, so this isn’t too different.

    However, I actually realized a few days ago why my Mom is probably so reluctant to let me move out. I’m 23, but both my sisters moved out WAY earlier then that, and she had no problems. It occured to me, though, that it may be because she knows I have little social connections and she thinks I’ll be lonely or something. So I guess if she hasn’t guessed before I do finally move out, I’ll let her know about my asexual/aromantic tendancies and hopefully that will help a bit.

    So, after that bit of rambling, I guess I am someone who is ‘in’, but not because they’re afraid or nervous, but more because I don’t like introducing these topics on my own and am waiting for someone else to ask me. Though since people know I’m uncomfortable with these topics, they may never do so.

    As for blending in with more sexual peoples, I have no problems with that. I rarely hang around people except at work, and then people usually are polite and toned down around me. I think most believe I’m older then I am, and a prude (I am πŸ˜€ ), so the conversation rarely gets dirty or profane. It’s honestly hilarious to see all the teenagers AND 40 something adults curse in front of me then immedietley say “Sorry! I mean darn!”

    Finally, I have a tip for those trying to stay ‘in’. Don’t listen to the A-life podcast loudly in your car with your windows rolled down as you pull into a crowded parking lot. I can’t remember exactly what Henrik was saying, but it involed the word ‘sex’ (loudly), and the respectable, middle-aged churchy black lady loading her car next to mine gave me the weirdest look. Luckily, I’m sure she just thought I was a pervert, not asexual. Phew! Secret safe.

    Comment by Kelly | November 12, 2010

  5. As an asexy librarian, I can say that not all librarians are lame πŸ™‚

    Great podcast, by the way!

    Echt klasse!

    Comment by nosferatofu | April 1, 2011

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