A Life

A weekly podcast about asexuality

A Life #32: Going Alone

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Society has built in an expectation for a person to bring a date for gatherings of several variety. So what to do if you have no desire to bring a date, should you still attend? Should you challenge the expectation or simply ignore it? These are questions that are raised in this episode of A Life.

Are you uncomfortable attending events alone?


September 27, 2010 - Posted by | Podcast


  1. I haven’t had a chance to listen to the podcast yet, but the title/desc caught my attention. Actually, according to polite society (from the mouth of Miss Manners), one shouldn’t bring a date to an event unless that person is issued an invitation. This whole +1 business, and bringing extra guests as “dates” unannounced, etc., is considered to be in very poor taste.

    Comment by wrymuse | September 27, 2010

  2. Tiger Woods Going Alone

    I haven’t listened to this podcast yet but I just saw something that reminded me of the topic.

    They played a video of this on a news program on TV but I can’t seem to find a video anywhere on the net to show you but heres an article:


    To sum it up what happened :

    There is a Gala Concert held for the Ryder Cup 2010. At the start of the evening all the players and their partners walked down a staircase while their names are read out over a loud speaker…but when they got to Tiger Woods he didn’t have a partner so they just said ‘tiger woods’ and for that he stood out. We all know why his alone but its very unfair to assume everyone has a partner and have the players come down in pairs. What about if you’re single? Or the controversy if a player was gay and had a guy partner?

    (btw if you saw the video he really does stand out and it’s not very fair to put anyone in the position, it’s so embarrassing. )

    Comment by TheJester | October 1, 2010

  3. asexy_raymo said:

    On doing things alone:
    Caveat 1a) As Seth McFarland, creator of family guy, said, Watching TV does melt the brain. That is, unless you watch it actively with a critical mindset. At some point in the show, Henrik said “people know what’s best.” Most people don’t. Why? Because their brains have been melted. When TV and any other form of art/media entertainments and philosophies hypnotize, the direct effect is that your brain is induced in the “melted”-state of passive consumption, you just see and rationalize and project yourself into the role. As they say monkey see, monkey do.

    For example: Your ego will grasps for that awesome, staged and competative reality filled with hot sex even if you’re old crusty and “broken” undesirable or deemed unworthy in the scope of material, hedonistic culture–because that’s what the ego does grasp for material and sometime immaterial identity–especially so with TV programs watched during times in life when one is vulnerable and absorbent, ie when you’re “seeking answers to life’s questions”. Those whom are egoless are less likely to rape, or be greedy, or try to actualize a libido-enhancement products and lifestyles.

    LOL henrik: I’ll Date you… IF YOU PAY ME! I love you so much. And I’m glad you exist 🙂

    – raymo

    PS: What is exactly is a T-totaller and what is T-totaling?

    Comment by asexy_raymoej | October 1, 2010

  4. YAY! You do occasionally check your emails! XD Don’t blame me for sending them a) I like emails b) I was just too curious when you will notice them not to try this way of communication.

    I don’t really think I wrote anything insightful there. Just more of my usual ramblings, but I will from now on rather write blog comments in case among my rambling there will be some pearl of wisdom (and if so it was an accident, I swear).

    I’d like you to know that I did try to write a short, smart and witty feedback this time. And I failed, so here is more of my rambling. I will try better next time, honest.

    So, I went with place after place like you did in the show.

    Restaurants *are* awkward. I don’t know why. Perhaps because I don’t go to them so often and that’s why I’ve never quite got used to being alone in them. If I actually go to some sit-down restaurant I’m with friends or family. I do feel awkward if I happen to be in one alone and it has nothing to do with me needing the company, but I always feel judged by people in there. Like I think they’re mocking me for not having anyone to come with me? I know it’s ridiculous, but sometimes I feel that way. And there’s also this thing, when I really hate talking to people like waiters or deal with the check and I don’t know, some random strangers starting a conversation. I noticed I tend to be friends with people who are outspoken and in control of situation so they handle all those little annoying things when they’re with me. When I’m alone I’m much more aware of all the people surrounding me. It’s like, when for example I’m with my best friend, I talk to her, concentrate on her and barely notice other people. When I’m alone I notice all of them and it suddenly seems like too much, especially when I need to act like a sensible adult human being and deal with all boring details of going out, instead of shying away from talking to the waiter. Yeah, so basically I think I don’t like being alone in a restaurant, because it feels like me vs. way too many people. The feeling doesn’t linger in fast food places, because people there just come and go too quickly to be more than a colorful blur to me. (And I don’t have to deal with the waiter. XD Yeah, I know, but it’s like I sometimes become ridiculously shy when I’m on my own.)

    Movies I got used to and have no problems with. I have to deal with, because I love crappy horror movies and my friends don’t really share that fascination. However, over all I’d have to say I prefer watching with someone. Mostly ’cause I ramble ALL THE TIME (I’m not sure if you noticed). I have to comment on everything and make jokes how this thing in the movie relates to thousands of others I just thought of. So, yeah. I need company and one that is used to me and doesn’t mind. For some reason though my friends prefer to watch thing with me at home… No idea why… XD

    And as for laughing at the different time than others? I do it often because I’m a mad fangirl and EVERYTHING remind me of some line from the TV show I love or some fanfiction I’ve read, so… it’s good to have a friendly fangirl next to me to share the joke. XD

    Weddings are much less awkward for me. I noticed how my friends who are sexual always fret about going alone to the wedding, but I don’t see the big deal. Fair enough most weddings I attended happened when I was younger, but I don’t think it’d be much problem now either. I mean, if I’d go to the wedding it’d be either family thing and old aunts etc. would go all “oh, why didn’t you bring a boyfriend?”, but they always do I just can’t be bothered anymore. And well, currently I’m at the age when more and more of my friends from school or studies get married (though no one really close yet) and when/if I will be invited to such a wedding it wouldn’t be awkward, because they all know I’m an ace, so actually it’d make them totally confused if I’d came with someone. XD

    Re-unions. Me and my best friend plan to go together when/if our high school reunion will take place. All the way through the high school everyone joked and talked about us being a couple. We never were and we never will be. There was some confusion, I admit, but it never went past few awkward conversations. And we just want to mess with people’s heads for awhile. I mean, we will tell them the truth after savoring their surprised looks for few minutes, but we just want to walk in together, preferably holding hands or some such nonsense. 🙂

    Parties are even easier than weddings. I don’t work yet and when I will I highly doubt it will be in a place with actual office parties, but well I can’t speak for the future me. For now I don’t have to worry about office parties and as for normal, casual, friends parties… I hate parties so I avoid them and don’t go to them. Every once a year or so when I’m dragged to some sort of party they’re more a mix of a party with friends meeting and I don’t mind very much being dragged there. And there’s no worries about date, because I’m dragged there by my close friends of mine and therefor I’m not expected to bring a date. … Once I’m typing this I’m suddenly realizing all those reasons why it’s awesome to be out. Unexpected bonus. 🙂

    Basically I’d say it is sometimes weird and awkward to go to different places and some special occasions without a date, but the awkwardness is not really worth finding a date just to fight of the judging looks. If I really feel like I need to bring someone with me, I bring a friend, because I need company and not a romantic partner. And if there are expectations to bring dates to certain events… well, there are expectations about many things, but it doesn’t mean anyone should really bother with satisfying all of them.

    Comment by Andrea_Deer | October 4, 2010

  5. If you want to go somewhere, can there and back safely and can pay for tickets why not go. Even though you may have alot of friends, they might be busy or not like the same band as you, but why should you miss out on that concert just because no-one else likes them and you’d have to go alone. I used to drag my mum along to the movies when I was younger, shed be so uninterested she’d fall asleep. Other times I’ve been out with friends and they’ve had a vote for what movie we see, and it always ends up being something I don’t enjoy as much as they do. So now I’m older I’ve gotten over that whole stigma of going alone to a movie and when I want to go see something I do regardless of anyone comes or not. Even though it can sometimes feel like everyone is staring at you because your alone- noone really cares and most of the time someone else is there alone too.

    Theres this stigma around my mums friends, when she goes out alone like there still living in the dark ages. They can’t believe she can go out alone without her husband. Why is it taboo to not do EVERYTHING with your partner. It doesn’t mean they’re getting separated or anything suss, it just means shes wants to go out and he doesn’t…whats so bad about that? Shouldn’t every marriage be like that, that you can have some freedom from your partner?

    But I think that going to events like Proms and other places that you need a partner can make you feel inadequate, but at the end of the day if you can have fun with your friends at whateva event your at you’ll forgot you haven’t got a date and everyone else has and have a good time anyways.

    Comment by TheJester | November 7, 2010

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