A Life

A weekly podcast about asexuality

A Life #25: Relationships

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Relationships. They seem to be a big deal in society, but what about for asexuals? On the show we talk about topics about how a romantic relationship is different from a friendship, asexual/sexual relationships, age differences, and more.

Relationship questions


June 22, 2010 - Posted by | Podcast


  1. According to OkCupid, the reason Match.com doesn’t work is because the vast majority of the people you can message are no longer paying subscribers. Therefore, they can’t reply to you unless they pay Match.com again.

    Ellie said that she’d prefer to “come out” on the second or third date, while Vlad and Heidi said they’d rather come out before dating even begins. It occurs to me that the difference in opinion is not so much about when to come out, but when to start dating. Now that’s a question I’d like to see discussed. Do you date someone before or after getting to know them? Before or after you feel attracted to them?

    Comment by Siggy | June 25, 2010

  2. The majority of people who live in Greece are Greek Orthodox. Roughly 98%.
    I don’t have much else to add except that I liked the episode.

    Comment by Jicragg | July 4, 2010

  3. I haven’t listened to this podcast yet but:

    While none of my friends are asexual, all my current friends are not in relationships nor sexual active.

    It recently occurred to me that everytime a friend has gotten sexually active I’ve stopped being friends with them not long after. The reasons my friendships with those people stopped were due to other issues and happened long after they got a sexual partner but I still wonder subconsciously if that is the reason.

    Comment by TheJester | September 27, 2010

  4. Disclaimer: Sorry If I end up talking about something that was said in the Unscrewed and Illuminated podcast in one of my comments. I have been listening to both these shows lately and its pretty easy to get confused as to who said what on which program. Anyways I tried to post a comment once on their site and it didn’t work so at least I can post my here.

    When you talked about gender not being important to aces when it comes to relationships because sex isn’t important I tend to disagree. I think just because you are not looking a sexual partner doesn’t mean you don’t have a preference for who you are attracted to in general. Yes in aces bisexuality and pansexuality is more common because we are looking at personality more than our sexual friends but that doesn’t mean aces can’t still have a preference.

    You also talked about friends coming to you for a shoulder to to cry after they break up with their boyfriend. I haven’t had alot of that myself but I always seem to have friends and acquaintances talking to me about crushes and asking me for advice in their relationships. I’ve never understood why this is. I’ve never been in a proper relationship and hardly even have any guy friends. I may be a good listener but when it comes to advice I don’t know what makes them think I would have a clue of how to help. The only stuff I know about relationships is what I’ve learnt from T.V shows and movies, and well that’s not exactly the best place to take notes from LOL.

    You were talking about age difference in relationships in this episode and I agree it depends on each case. Some older guys I know like younger women and vice versa but there is a big difference between young in age and young in experience.

    I think some of the reasons a relationship with a big age difference wouldn’t work might be because:

    – Intellectual compatibility: If someone doesn’t have the same education experience as you – You might have gone to university and they might have left school in high school then you would have a big difference in experience there and intellect. Or If your in a relationship with someone that has a limited vocabulary and you seem to have to dumb down conversations when your around them (or their friends), it could make things very boring for you. Being wiser and smarter than a partner (like Henrik used in the podcast) could be a big power difference.

    – If your partner isn’t as independent as you it could make things difficult. If your partner can’t pay for anything unless the money is someone else (government/parents etc) while you work hard to make your own is again a power balance in the relationship. Your boyfriend shouldn’t be your ATM. So its not fair if they work hard and have to pay for drinks and dinner all the time. Also if your partner is still living at home or doesn’t have a job it could be a sign that they might lack maturity and can’t look after themselves yet independently.

    -Like Henrik I think said, you wouldn’t want to be with someone that has less life experience then you because they’ll be repeating things like teen angst that you’ve move on from. If your partner is yet to experience things that you’ve already done, it would make you have to move backwards with them and experience things again instead of moving forward and trying new stuff with someone who has a similar background in life experiences. It could make you frustrated and bored unless you don’t mind reliving your early adulthood.

    -This is more of a general difference than just about ages but it can come up alot with a couple with age differences too. If one of you is more or less the kind of person that would rather stay at home watching a movie then go out, while the other is more into going out to gigs and bars and parties, one of you will have to compromise and learn to be more social (or less social).

    – If one of you in the relationship is always having to encourage the other one. Your partner shouldn’t need to be told to get out and experience life time and time again. If your the kind of person that has adventure, ambition,enthusiasm,passion, energy,look for new experiences and love learning new things while your partner wants to stay in the same place that’s a problem. If every conversation with them is either a lecture or a list of things that are good about themselves in that hopes they will do something with their life, its not gonna go anywhere. If you have a zest for life and they don’t, you should be using that energy and focus to live your life not to waste it trying to make them live theirs.

    – The same goes if your partner isn’t a very curious person and you are. While you may have traveled around the world and really experienced life, your partner may have lived in the same house and visited the same shopping malls on the weekend for years. They don’t venture outside of their comfort zone. If you have ambition and passion and dreams., while they still don’t know what they want to do with their life. If your the type of person that learns new things all the time and reads books, while their not really interested in learning anything new since they left school. If your conversations consist of them saying they’re been up to “nothing” and just you telling them about your day time and time again, for you that would become very dull and boring, and again the relationships would be strewed unevenly.

    I’m not sure what this is -I guess it’s just a rant about relationships sparked by what you discussed in the podcast, hopefully some of it is reliant.

    Something I don’t really understand:When do relationships go from not needing sex to needing sex? What age does this start? I know when teenagers start dating if their not having sex its okay and a good thing … and noone tells them to have sex . Given alot would be virgins and not ready or waiting until their married etc they might get of the hook because their is the expectation that their just waiting for the right time and eventually they will be having sex. Noone tells these teenagers because their not having sex they’re not in a relationship or their just friends until they take the next step and have sex.

    Anyways at some point and I don;t know the exact age if your not having sex people are outraged- how can you have a relationship without sex? So the people above can have a “relationship” and a “boyfriend” but after a certain age the credibility of this sexless relationships comes into play and is seen that its not there at all unless sex is there too. Why is it at some point when you as you get older it turns into a necessity to have a relationship ?

    Or this concept if you have a boyfriend and your not having sex his just a friend because there’s nothing to separate that relationship from your other relationships (even if you kiss and hold hands with them and not with your friends etc)unless your having sex. So any celibate can’t say his their “boyfriend” until they have sex too?

    Isn’t the romantic love (if you take away the sexual side of it) still stronger or at least different from the love you feel with your “friends”. They way you act around them different and the fact you may want to marry a romantic interest and not a friend….? the list goes on… so why is is so hard for sexuals to grasp this concept?

    Again For sexuals it is expected that sex equals love…. Eveytime I had a crush when I was younger on guys people thought it was cute and sweet. They knew it would go no further than something taken out of a cartoon or a G rated film. The characters would be together and kiss and fall in love but it would never move on from just cuddling. Then when I reached maybe 15 or older every time I liked a guy my friends would think the word crush = wanting to f*** them. They would turn my innocent crush into some dirty horrible thing and make rude jokes about me getting with said person. I never thought to much into it expect maybe I was more prudish then they were and I’d grow out of it one day. I haven’t. If I was every with my crush I want nothing more then to hold their hand. If I ever sleep with a guy it will be purely to ‘sleep’ next them and nothing more. Now I know I ace, I’m glad I know now I’m not the only one who feels like this.

    Comment by TheJester | October 27, 2010

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