A Life

A weekly podcast about asexuality

A Life #19: Asexual Self-Identity

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After a technical time-out, the crew is back for another round of asexual goodness. This time the panel tackles the issues involving identifying as asexual, and how that has changed their lives.

Blog quote from:
Apositive: A love so true?


February 17, 2010 - Posted by | Podcast


  1. The women having to start lower on luge has been bothering me too. And when they lowered the starts for everyone after the accident, some of the male lugers complained on TV about being moved down to the “lady” start. The women were moved down to the junior (kids) start. It’s more reasonable to have a lower start available for kids (for non-Olympic future use), but it just seems kind of condescending and unnecessary to have one for women. If they want to have three levels of starts available, they should call them ‘beginner’, ‘intermediate’, and ‘advanced’ — and both male and female Olympic lugers are clearly capable of using the ‘advanced’ start.

    Comment by Acenonymous | February 18, 2010

  2. Uh. Humm… I can’t really help but to make sure you know this, although I have a feeling that you already knew on some level despite not saying it aloud in the podcast. Hyenas certainly look more like dogs than cats, but they’re closer related to felids than canids. Carnivorous mammals are divided into dog-like and cat-like animals and hyenas sit on the cats’ side with meerkats, mongooses, civets, and genets. Dogs, bears, seals, mustelids, and raccoons are on the other side.

    Sorry about the nitpicking, but misconceptions about hyenas are sort of a pet peeve of mine (because especially spotted hyenas are AWESOME). Other ones are people saying that foxes are actually closer related to cats than dogs and people excluding insects from the animal kingdom for some reason, which just makes me want to punch someone in the face. I can’t help it, honestly.

    Ah, anyway, now that I bothered to make a comment I guess I should say something that’s more relevant to this podcast. I often stop listening halfway when I listen to you guys but this time you had a good pace and kept the conversation sufficiently interesting so I listened this episode in entirety. Not to say that your podcast’s bad, I’m just a rather visually oriented person when it comes to media, so things like listening to the radio are nearly incomprehensible activities to me. So yeah, good job with this episode.

    Oh, and about Valentine’s Day. I’m a Finn too and it really is a very different thing here, it’s not a big deal. We just call it “Friend’s Day” and mostly celebrate friendship. Or, well, at least that’s what we did in school and that’s the only place the whole deal has ever been truly relevant to me. It’s kind of like Halloween, since it’s hardly celebrated here beyond the usual themed school day in comprehensive school and a few horror films on TV to fit the occasion.

    When it comes to my perceptions about myself as an asexual, I don’t think the realisation that I’m something that’s called “asexual” had too large of an effect on how I viewed myself. My views of myself have always been very clear to me, even when I’ve found those views inaccurate later on. It’s my view of the world that’s been more problematic. Much of my relatively short life I’ve considered the whole world and almost everyone in it besides me incredibly broken, beyond repair, and undeserving of my attention or kindness. In retrospect that’s really bleak, but that’s how I thought during my pre-teen and most of my teenage years.

    In any case, my asexuality was never a part of me that I was confused about or even questioned. When I learned about asexuality as a sexual orientation, what I gained was a name for a trait I have possessed as long as I can remember. It felt sort of grand that this trait was recognised and it gradually changed how I presented my sexual orientation to others. I think that helped me avoid useless conflict that I thought I thrived on but actually made me feel more or less miserable. I also think that it helped me realise just how special I am and, more importantly, how I’m not.

    Comment by Viittaperkele | February 21, 2010

  3. Holy crap, I had no intention to write anything that long. Oh well.

    Comment by Viittaperkele | February 22, 2010

  4. Viittaperkele: I meant to make a comment about the hyena thing but by the time I was able to go leave feedback on the poll I had forgotten that part. But yeah, it bugged me too, you’re not alone! XD

    Comment by annwyl_cariad | February 25, 2010

  5. How asexuality as a label changed my life:

    You want to know something weird? Before I knew that there was such a thing as ‘asexual’- before the magical external validation fairy legitimized my lack of libido as a *thing*-, I was always on my toes around any male (I’m female) who I thought identified as heterosexual or bisexual. Similar situation around women who I knew or suspected were lesbians. I was always watching them with critical eyes because I was always trying to figure out if they were attracted to me, if we had ‘chemistry’ or not. I never knew, and never could decide for myself if we did or not, because I never felt anything. I always felt like if the other person was attracted to me, and if I wasn’t unattracted to them, and they made their attraction known to me, then that was fruit for a relationship. Which is dumb for a lot of reasons.

    It was as though I was saying to myself, “Hey, you don’t understand this, so just go with it and maybe you’ll figure it out. Clearly they understand/feel something you don’t.” I’m a very intelligent person, and as a young teenager I thought maybe I was overthinking the relationship/sexual thing, and thus missing The Point, and that I just needed someone to fondle me until I connected to what I thought of as my baser nature or something like that.

    Guess what: the fondling didn’t work. I get wet nowadays when turned on because I started masturbating at 17– I finally figured out how. Somehow, though, even though I’d been with a couple people in a sexual manner by that age, I never really got wet with them, and them fingering me never felt good, and the oral sex was boring, and I couldn’t stop wondering when they’d FINALLY be done kissing me… so I could never figure out how to masturbate. So… I stick my finger in like this? That doesn’t feel good. So I rub here? Um… where? Huh?

    If you can’t get turned on with other people, how the fuck do you know how to turn yourself on? I finally resorted to porn. Thank god for internet instruction manuals.

    Since figuring out that ‘asexual’ is a thing, and since realizing that I am that way, I no longer feel like I’m always on my toes trying to use my experiences to find a way to categorize myself, trying to shove my rectangular-shaped peg into a rainbow or arrow-shaped hole (no pun intended).

    I am a romantic asexual, and I need to stop forcing myself into these things. Through identifying with the community, I’m starting to see my impotent libido as just another quality of mine that my partners will have to deal with like I’ll have to deal with their sexual-ness (if they’re sexual). The realization that I’m not alone has made me feel validated, as pathetic and human as that is. I need to be better than that, but we all start from somewhere with our natures.

    Anyway, I love the podcast. ❤

    Comment by Kelly | June 26, 2010

  6. To put it another, more concise way: The asexual community has given me the language I needed to make sense of my experiences, and I now feel I understand my personal paradigm better.


    Comment by Kelly | June 26, 2010

  7. I am proud to be asexual. In fact my asexuality is one of the only admirable qualities I think I have. Its probably thne best thing about me and the one of the only things I like about myself.

    I find learning your asexual is liberating. In much the same way as the sexual revolution of the sixties was liberating for sexuals. I feel a sense of freedom.

    I don’t care that I don’t care. I will dress how i like now no matter how immature I look because Im dressing for myself not to impress another person.

    Society as a whole makes me feel inferior. The only thing that makes me feel superior is my asexuality.

    I’m a petty shy person and in the last few years my shyness slowly turned into a form of social anxiety to the point where I thought I might have “Avoidant personality Disorder”. But since learning I am ace my social anxiety, while still there is less intense.

    And also, being asexual you notice things that aren’t even funny sometimes,:
    I had an ace moment the other day. I was on the train going home. It was pretty crowded. This young boy maybe 15 or so years old was talking to a lady after he bummed into her. He said are you okay? and when she said yes instead of saying that’s ” A-OKay” he said “that’s ace okay- you know ace for awesome”. I was trying not to laugh coz In my head I was like “ace for asexual more like it” I’m gonna use that now – ace okay. LOL loves it!

    Comment by TheJester | October 27, 2010

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