A Life

A weekly podcast about asexuality

A Life #16: Asexuality and Marriage

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Do asexuals view marriage differently than sexuals, or is the tradition even relevant to us? What is the difference between legal and religious marriage and how does it factor into it all? The panel discusses these and other issues relating to the topic and a lot of things that have nothing to do with anything, as usual.

Forum Post of the Week:
Kissing and the reluctance to do it

Blog quote from:
Rainbow Amoeba’s Petri Dish: “And What Would You Do with Him?”

Is the institution of marriage relevant to asexuals?


December 12, 2009 - Posted by | Podcast


  1. It is my opinion, as an atheist, that the whole marriage ceremony serves an important secular purpose. It’s all about marking and celebrating an important milestone in life. It serves the same purpose as, say, a graduation ceremony.

    I must admit, though, that I don’t particularly care for graduation ceremonies. My opinion on ceremonies is that if you get something out of it, then you should do it. And if you don’t get anything out of it, don’t bother, no matter what anyone (including God) tells you.

    Comment by Siggy | December 14, 2009

  2. I like what (I think it was) Rebecca said, that there should be a legal marriage for everyone to get the legal rights and another marriage ceremony for religion and only for straight people so they can have their marriage seen as legal by law and under god.

    You were also talking about marriages and can you be married without sex? and are asexual marriages still relevant next to a sexuals marriage? I guess you could ask this to sexual couples who marry and not have children as society sees marriage as the bracket under which the next step is kids. Are there marriages any less because society sees children coming out of every marriage and there not doing that? I think if you can have children before marriage or without ever getting married and you can have sex without marriage, I think its far to say you can have a marriage without sex.

    Again alot of people argue that marriage is a religious institution between the couple and god. Does that mean any couple that gets married in a garden or anywhere other than a church is not as married as the couples that do? Should atheist even be allowed to marry?

    Also I think the media makes everyone feel as though everyone’s doing it all the time, that even after they get married and have kids they still have AMAZING sex at least 2 or more times a week. But the reality is its not realistic , people just don’t have enough time at the end of the day to be bothered with sex. The fact you’re not having sex when you’re married -whether you’re ace or not shouldn’t make the marriage any less important or relevant because most people unless they’re really lucky are in the same boat.

    When Rebecca was asked why she wanted to be married the reasons she gave didn’t make sense to me because she could have all of that with a long term boyfriend she doesn’t need to have a husband. It was until later when she talked about the legal side could I agree with marriage. The legal side is the only good reason in 2010 to get married. I think you only touched on this briefly but I think for alot of girls especially, its not so much marriage but the wedding and being in front of all their family a friends which is them draw card and other than that they don’t really want or see need to get married.

    I myself am quite ‘Passive Romantic’ in the way that I don’t go after relationships but stand by the saying ‘If it happens it happens’. I don’t know how I’ll be if I got in a long term relationship with a sexual. I was surprised when Rebecca said she had been and just told her boyfriend outright she was ace and he was okay with it. It’s hard trying to find someone when they might want different things like sex and kids that you don’t want.

    I also worry being in a marriage that my partner may have got the wrong idea and thought I wasn’t asexual I was just waiting until marriage and then take advantage of the fact I was their wife and force themselves on me. Even if I get a boyfriend I worry about this happening if they’re aren’t so understanding about being ace. I always joke that the only way I’m having sex is if I get raped but it won’t be funny when it happens. Thats the worst part of being ace – you can say no and not have sex but you can’t control what another person might do.

    Again Rebecca said after marriage she would comprise and have sex with her partner. I don’t know how many asexuals in the community can do this. Maybe its my disgust with sex that I can’t see past the actual act but I can’t understand how this is a loving thing to do for your partner. Sex in marriage is meant to be something fun for both involved- I’m sure some sexual partners would be happy you’d have sex just to please them but on the other hand another might not get as much satisfaction because your not making love back….faking it for your partner isn’t going to make them feel good I wouldn’t think even if your intentions are good ones.

    Comment by TheJester | October 1, 2010

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